Shares in the company that makes Crock-Pots plunged this week because Americans and capitalism are not grounded in anything resembling reality.

The tear-jerking US TV drama "This Is Us" has a plot line showing a main character dying in a fire in which a malfunctioning used Crock-Pot (which doesn't actually exist because TV isn't real) was implicated.  Viewers then started peppering the social media accounts Crock-Pot owner Newell Brands with ill-informed safety concerns.


This Never Actually Happened

Now, Newell Brands is defending the safety of its product over a fire that never actually happened.  "Our Crock-Pot slow cookers are low-current, low-wattage (typically no more than 200 or 300 watts) appliances with self-regulating, heating elements," Newell said in a statement this week. It came at an awful time for the company, which was considering selling off some of its other lines, including Rawlings sporting goods and Rubbermade outdoor products.

Not wanting to alienate fans of the show, the company added: "We too, are heartbroken" over the fate of the guy who isn't dead because he's an actor.  The show's producer even tried to tamp down idiotic hysteria over "those lovely, hard-working Crock-Pots", distancing them from the murderous make-believe kind.

Also, this happened in the week that health officials actually had to tell Americans not to eat laundry detergent pods.

Delicious Tide Pods

It's not like the US hasn't been to this dance before.  In the 1960s, a TV network received regular calls from well-meaning but stupid viewers concerned about the safety of the castaways on "Gilligan's Island".  In the 1930s, Americans were famously panicked over a martian invasion depicted in the Orson Welles' radio drama "War of the Worlds".